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Tuesday 21 January 2003

There's merit in some of them

I hate email forwards. I get buckets of them in my in tray from friends I haven't the heart to tell. Chain letters are the worst but second hand jokes are almost as bad.
It's not so much the content I dislike as the fact that you have to wade through dozens of email headers just to get to a joke you've probably heard before or a "fascinating fact" that you learnt when you were 15.
Then every now and then one comes along that really makes me laugh, makes me chuckle so much my work colleagues think I'm losing it.

DOUBLE ENTENDRES - Who'd be a TV presenter?! Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio...

> Michael Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts. "
> Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
> Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
> Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
> Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
> Winning Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
> Ross King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
> During the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
> Cricketer Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
> Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."
> James Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
> Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
> The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
> Willie Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
> Steve Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets in the Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."
> Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."

I'm sure that if I did a little bit of digging I'd soon find out that these are all false. But I'm not sure I want to.

January 21, 2003 8:45 PM | Random Humour

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