Just over 7 years ago my first wife died. We'd been together for almost exactly 3 years and married for just 3 weeks.
Over the period of our relationship I'd made some mistakes. The sort of mistakes that get made by lots of people in lots of relationships. Some were trivial, some not so. Some she knew about and some she didn't.
At the time, I didn't have much of a guilty conscience. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't evil and I truly loved her with all my heart. She was "the one". But I didn't feel guilty.
Just lately, though, some 8 years after some of this occurred, I've begun to obsess about these mistakes. About how they made her feel. About whether she knew and never mentioned. About whether she felt trapped in our relationship by her illness.
And I have guilt.
I have lying awake half the night staring at the ceiling guilt. There is nothing I can do about it. No recompense, no explanations, no apologies. Nothing to ease the turmoil in my head.
Maybe it’s karma.
